Life, death, misery, happiness. What do they have in common? Everyone experiences them. Life, as unforgiving and cruel as it can be, is usually tolerated well enough by most people. Misery is handled with greatly varying degrees of success. Happiness? Yeah, still waiting on that part.

So here I am, an 18 year-old failure. My best friend--a goofball Texan who I have only met in person ONCE--has now gotten married. He's 19. And as responsibilities to his new wife, as well as his duty to the Air Force, begin to take effect, I know it's only a matter of time before I'm forgotten. I don't blame him, because it's only natural. He has his priorities in the right order.

What do I have going for myself? Nothing. It's hard to function when you have no motivation to speak of, even when everyone around me are moving on to greater things. My only brainchild--a sci-fi war story I've been working on for two years this month--is in its final draft, but knowing me, I'll never get it done. I can never finish anything. So many failures in so little time. And you know what? I can only blame myself. It was up to me to make it through the challenges life threw at me, NO ONE ELSE.

My family is falling apart around me. My brother, the only person I've always had around to rely on, no longer thinks I live up to his standards. He passes judgment on me when I have done nothing wrong, and have only ever wanted to stay out of everyone's way. I thought nothing could surprise me, but this knocked the wind out of me. He's letting the influences of another warp his mind, allowing the cruel whispers in his ear to change who he is, and there's nothing I can do without making it worse.

I always thought I'd be on my own by now, traveling the world and having a good time with friends. I certainly thought I'd have overcome all of my issues by now, but as it turns out I've made no progress.

I've always told people that I prefer to be alone, and that I would be fine if that was how I died. That's not true anymore. Unfortunately I think it's too little, too late. I've screwed myself over, made myself suspicious of others and unwilling to take any risks. Two sides of the same personality, both in conflict with the other. That's the problem with always watching life from the sidelines, I suppose.

I'm not stupid. I know a grand total of one or two people will ever see this, MAYBE a few curious strangers here and there. I thank anyone who has read this far, and would like to apologize for the mad rambling. Trust me, I know how pathetic it is to post something like this on the internet for others to see, and my embarrassment tomorrow will surely show me regret. But as of now any filters in my mind that may have prevented this from happening are broken down by my exhausted, sleep-deprived brain.

Call me emo, pathetic, stupid, or a loser. Right now I'd find it hard to disagree with any insults thrown at me. Do I think I deserve this lonely existence? No, I don't. Have I realized I arrived here with no one to blame but myself? Yes, a thousand times YES. But with so many unsuccessful attempts to change who I am, I'm done. Whatever happens happens, and I'll take whatever cards are dealt. I guess I'll never grow up, and never carve a life of my own... I just wish I knew what purpose I was supposed to serve.